Monday, February 18, 2008

Hitting the refresh button

Have you ever come to a decision which you have thought about for a while, built in your head a case for why it is a good decision, been happy with the decision, and yet not held a need to share the reasons for the decision?

Well, if you have ever found yourself in that place, you can relate wholly to my decision to change and update my blog.

I have been thinking for a while about changing my blog format. It is a good decision because I want a new style, I am ready to be done directly, but not completely, with the pseudonym "Deep Romantic Boy". I am pleased with my decision, even excited about it, looking forward to a new medium to host my random ramblings. And, while there are many intricate webs of thought and feeling spindled together to create the supportive frame of this decision, I don't really need to explain it to anyone; unless of course they ask (which I say not because I am looking to be asked, but to ensure you, my reading public, I am always open to most any inquiry).

I say all this because the change in blog correlates with a broader life theme of refreshing my perspective (while it correlates, my blog update is not due to a desired change in perspective; it is something I have long considered and now seems like as good of time as any!).

My perspective is need of a little refreshing. For the last few weeks, I have been down on myself, a little depressed, and have not been approaching life with much verve. I am ready to rachet back up my attitude and energy. I have been down and I am ready to come back up.

While not discounting the veracity of reasons supporting the "down" perspectives I have held, I am aware of my ability to choose different, more positive lenses. These are lenses through which I have looked before. Through these lenses I see myself, others, and our life situations with more appreciation and hope.

While it might all sound esoteric, for me, it has a concrete application: I will behave in a certain way, I will accomplish particular things and I will hold in my heart particular feelings when I look at the world in a more positive light.

What all that means exactly is hard to say...but it means something to me: I am ready to hit the refresh button.

With good luck and positive thoughts on our side, we will be adopting Omar in about a month's time (As you may know, Omar, who is in foster care, is the boy we hope to adopt; the case for parental termination happens March 24 - 26; if they terminate, which is never a 100% bet going in, the judge will decide where Omar is placed; we are the state's preferred option for placement, according to Omar's caseworker, but there may be a family member interested in taking Omar; so, we know nothing until late March). If we are fortunate enough to adopt Omar, I want to go into that life transforming event with a few weeks of feeling good about myself and the world.

While I am not looking for Omar to hold the keys to my life's transformation and purpose, I know I am going to become a new Aaron when Omar comes along. I have approximately six weeks until, god willing, that might happen. I want to spend those next six weeks in a positive, healthy space; hitting refresh now will help put me there.

At some point soon, I am going to be a dad (I hope!). I don't think it's enough to be a Deep Romantic Boy to be a dad. I think it is time to step out of that Aaron and into something a little more grown up.

It seems hard to explain, so the best I can do is to say I am hitting the refresh button.

1 comment:

  1. I think it is great that you can reach a point where you are willing to lay aside the old persona and look to a new one, as a snake relieves itself of old skin, taking what you want from the old and letting it help you build a new one. I am impressed that you are beginning the transformation from "boy" to "dad" as part of the physical (bed, dresser) transformation that is about to happen. Natural-born parents have a 9 month preparation process; you have to artificially create one for your adoption, and a refreshed blog seems like a good way to externally indicate the internal changes.