Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Which part do I pick?

There is so much to any person. Everyone of us is layers upon layers of complexity, each one of us filled with consistencies and contradictions. No one knows the entire aspect of another. We barely even know the entirety of ourselves.

So, I sit and write and wonder, what should I write about, which me, or which part of me, do I present to the world? (Or at least the couple dozen or so people who read this blog on a regular basis)

There is the part of me that ponders the deep philosophical questions of life and wonders if there is any meaning to any of this and if so, what is the meaning. You know, the part of me that always asks "why?". It's the same part of me that has no faith in anything, and doesn't believe anyone's answers to the questions anyway. Should I blog about that?

There is the part of me, which late at night, gets very scared by not knowing the answer to the question "why?", the part that gets scared at the improbability and fragility of our life and feels very, very alone. Maybe I should write about those feelings.

Then there is the part of me which loves life, loves to experience it, feel it, taste it and touch it. There is the part of me which is awed by the beauty of existence and isn't scared by anything. It's the part of me that wants to hold onto life and everyone in it with all I've got! I have written on that plenty of times.

Or maybe I could write about all the very mundane parts of me. The ugly parts of me, Like the part of me which is a slob - the part that drinks too much wine and eats too much desert and is lazy and who can spend an hour sitting on the computer, getting sucked into every little story about the presidential election instead of doing anything remotely productive. The part of me which can put the best procrastinators to shame!

Along with that part is the part that says "I will get up at 5AM tomorrow morning and work out" but knows I am just going to sleep in instead.

There is the part of which is very critical of myself and the part of me which is a snob.

There is the poet part of me. And the photographer part of me. The video maker part of me.

The parent part of me (a new part). The husband part. The friend part.

Which part do I share? Not just with you, my oh devoted readers, but with anyone. Which parts am I even hiding from myself?

And, why do I even share? What motivates me to post any part of me, much less the deep personal parts, onto a public website? And, who even cares?

And, do I post what I think people want to see, what people want to hear? Or, is this blog just for me? Do I have responsibility to the people who read this blog?

And, why do people read this? What do they gain? And why are the majority of my readers anonymous? Why do they read, but not join in?

What do people think about this blog and all these parts of me? Especially the random people who I sort of know, but don't really know, who stumble across the blog. What do they think? And should I even care?

When I first started blogging, gosh like four years ago, my writings were 90% personal journaling and only 10% for public consumption. Over time, I have focused more and more on writing for the public, writing to be heard over writing to process. I don't think it's flipped completely, but it certainly is now written primarily for public consumption.

Not only does that beg the question, in my mind, of why the shift, why did I change from a personal journal to a public weblog, but it also leads me to wonder if I change what I write based on how I think others will react to what I write. In fact, I am sure the filter through which I write is more about how the public views what I have to say, versus my writings being just for me.

And, is that "okay"? What have I lost by doing that? Where do my personal thoughts go? And, do the readers who have been with me from the start, the readers who like the random rambling and processing, do they lose anything by my shift away from the most personal of my posts?

Sometimes I think maybe I will just stop blogging, there are just too many questions I don't have the answers too. Sometimes it feels like work and I worry if I don't blog for a few days that I am being a "bad" blogger. Maybe it would be better if I didn't have to worry about the blog (but then I would just worry about something else).

I do think if I wasn't blogging that I might try some other kind of writing, you know something real. Maybe a book or magazine articles. Or maybe I should just take a break from the public blogging and do some private journaling again. Who knows.

But I don't think I will, not right now anyway. Shutting down the blog means losing something, even if I am not sure what that something is, and I don't think I am ready to give it up - whatever "it" is! Sigh...just more questions without answers.

So for now, I keep the blog, but with limited time - I have a kid now, you know. So, what do I blog about with that limited time? Which part do I share, which Aaron do I present? Which Aaron do I bring out for the show? I can never give you the full picture of myself, so sometimes I think, "why even bother?" And even the things I do write about are just snapshots and summaries of the thoughts I hold around a particular subject, so why even share? And, like I said, who even cares?

So I just wonder sometimes, which part do I pick? And why? And does any of it really even matter? I just don't know.

As a friend told me today, maybe I need to let go of the need for answers. But that's just another question. Maybe I will blog about it someday.

Good night.

2 comments:

  1. Be patient
    toward all that is unsolved in your heart,
    and try to love the questions themselves.

    Do not ask
    the answers that cannot be given
    because
    you would not be able to live with them.

    And the point is
    to love everything.
    Love the questions now.

    Perhaps
    you will then
    gradually
    without noticing it
    live along some distant day
    into the answer.

    ~~Rainer Maria Rilke

    ReplyDelete
  2. hey i just thought id check out ur blog...its good :D

    check out mine...im starting a writing one, where i kinda vent. if u dont like sad/angry stuff then its not for you but otherwise! check it out!

    HERE

    ReplyDelete

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